1) Tonight, Tonight (The Amazing Race)
Check this out: Ben (of Whine Colored Sea
fame) and I have a bet on the final results of the show. Ben is betting the whole megillah on the midget and her cousin Bellisimo(!), while I oppose said notion and instead am betting on the chances of the hot chick who looks like Nancy Kerrigan from some angles which lessens her hotness and her boyfriend (who for some reason chose not to eat the caviar, be the hero and get mad play), the churchgoing black folks, the evangelical models who avoid easier missions in order to maintain their vodka-less relationship with the JC, the twin sisters that no one can possibly like or expect to win, the Jewish brothers who reinforce every lame stereotype with every breath they take, and the bowling moms who this week will be forced to spread their legs and give up their aged quimmies to every Egyptian man they can find in order to continue on in the game and get out of a country where "everyone is poor." Now, look, I understand that the midget and her cousin are crafty and resourceful and that little menace can sure as hell lug a piece of meat around, but I refuse to accept the idea that at the end of all this, Jerry B. will be handing them the oversized novelty check. Nevin evin.
Kerrigan and her boyfriend are the frontrunners right now and I see no reason why they can't stay there. They seem to have a lot of petty fights but some heavy petting can always assauge race fatigue. Although, if I have to lose this bet, I kinda want it to be because the midget gets a wrench and hits the Nancy Kerrigan looking chick in the knee and she cries out "Why? Why?" But, then again, if we stick to Kerrigan/Harding mythology, that means that a homemade porno tape of the midget will be found and God help us all, that shit nevin evin needs to be seen.
The loser of this bet pays for pizza delivery. Now, you may look at this and scoff. What kind of bet is that? Well, it means one of two things. Either, (a) We have jobs but not well paying ones. (true but not the reason and it's not like we couldn't bet more) or (b) Ben (who proposed the bet) doesn't have all that much faith in Willow and Mad Mardigan and isn't man enough to bet for something bigger, like, say, the soon to be Fall Feast at Pizza Roma which not only includes pizza but also hot wings and soda. Intriguing. In closing, in order to further taunt my roommate, I'd like to close with a few quotes from pre-movie ads shown frequently in the Los Angeles area.
"Simple simple puppet." (Unaltered, but imagine the midget saying this. It would scare the bejesus out of me.)
"There's virtually a bomb in the car, and you're in it Ben and so are the midget and Bellisimo and the car blows up and you're dead and there's nothing left but anti-piracy rhetoric and the emptiness of knowing you're paying for pizza because you put your money on a bum horse. You ain't gonna get to see the Eva Braun of morning TV interview the midget or have the midget chat up Letterman. Nuh-uh. It's deluxe, son. Deluxe." (referencing two awful commercials. Yeah!)
2) Michael Mann's Los Angeles
Like Paul Thomas Anderson's San Fernando Valley, Mann's city is alive, filled with beauty, pain, excitement, and horror, teeming with music from car stereos, clubs or the internal soundtracks of the characters, and enlivened with the cacophonous accents and languages of the various ethnicities in the most diverse city in the world (a fact frequently forgotten by east coast snobs who like to think everyone here is blonde, surgically enhanced, and white). Like Heat
mixes a gritty, tough, slightly cynical brand of story and character with an operatic sense for the struggle between obsessives (and for the obsessives themselves), be they cops, criminals, cab drivers, lawyers, or hit men. Anderson gets this place inside and out. David Lynch crawls inside its head, the dreams/nightmares of its denizens, and even those who dream about it from afar. Quentin plays in it. And Michael Mann lives it. Like Jamie Foxx's character Max says, "It's home."
3) Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle
A great time. The most I've laughed in the theater in a long while. Go.
4) The Return of Tom!
God bless, God bless. Tom's back at Pike's Pale and he has quite the tale to tell:
"Yesterday I was in line at self check out at the grocery store. It was getting late and I was heading home to make dinner. I was a little hungry and cranky. The line was long and slow and I had been waiting for about ten minutes before I go up to the register. I was next in line when a little black man about five and half feet tall with what appeared to be an onset of scoliosis and some sort of retardation just walked up and cut right in front of me. Well, I thought, jeez, he is clearly handicapped, what am I going to do. I started to feel the eyes of everyone behind me who had also been waiting and I realized that I need to talk to this guy. So I politely address the man, 'Sir. Sir, the line starts back there.' The man turns around and stares at me in disbelief. 'WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? HOW WAS I SUPPOSE TO KNOW YOU WHERE WAITING FOR THIS LINE,' the little black retarded man screams."
For the conclusion, go here
5) Typos That Make Pier Sound Like Rainier Wolfcastle
"The family is going maximizing...Work their delts. Work their glutes. GOING MAXIMIZING