Thursday, March 31, 2005

God Save Terry Schiavo the Queen

"It's a good system if you like monarchy and legally sanctioned murder. " - Ann Coulter.

I LOVE monarchies and princes that dress up like Nazis and inbreeding and 750 calorie omelette sandwiches. I was just saying the other night, upon re-watching Elizabeth that having a monarchy for a while would be much more fun than more obnoxious elections. Forget choosing between the turd sandwich and the douche and embrace serfdom! Let's have public hangings of heretics who speak out against the one and only church and blood soaked ascensions to the throne of the former colonies! And in regards to legally sanctioned murder, I sure hope Ann spends, oh, maybe, ten to fifteen minutes thinking about the application of the death penalty. You know, aspiring to the high standards of thought set forth by Dubya, our once and future king.

Peristent Vegitative State...pfft...says who? Wait. What now? She's dead? Oh. Wait! Says who???

The blog’s been neglected. I know. I’ve been busy finishing up another project, and I must admit that the blog may be neglected for a short time longer, until it's done. ("Do you want to know what Ron Bass does on weekends? I'll tell you what he does on weekends: he writes! And then he takes his German shepherd to the farmers' market in Santa Monica on Pico and buys hummus.") But, for a few minutes, let me re-insert my feeding tube, and re-engage all 3.56 of you who read this thing:
  • I love Alias. Love it. But as a good fan must always expose the weaknesses of the team they’ve chosen to devote themselves to (paging Bobby Bonilla…Mr. Bonilla…please come to the front desk to be murderized…Mr. Bonilla), I must speak up. Alias, though still very entertaining, has lost a little something called purpose. Sure, sure, there are hints of it (Jack and Sloan’s secret pact, Nadia’s past, Vaughn’s dead-but-maybe-not-dead dad, etc.), and quibble with the serpentine insanity that was the last three seasons if you must, but the show could sure use much more of it. There is no need to kill off every foe in every episode or, for that matter, end each show with such neat and tidy conclusions. And I readily understand the framework in which it functions is not as harmonious as it should be, and pressures have been placed on the show to make it more accessible, but I want what I want, so fuck it. It should be said that every show I like gets cancelled pretty quickly, but who cares? Sports Night is leagues beyond The West Wing and Freaks and Geeks is still better than anything now or then on NBC’s schedule and Veronica Mars is just about the...wait...something has just been passed to me...yes...I can is THE ONLY reason to think that UPN shouldn’t be shut down, broken up, and sold, with the financial gains from the sale being emptied into the nearest Coinstar. (She Mars has, thankfully, not been axed and signs point to it being renewed. Huzzah!) However, I’m committed to the Bristows, and I have faith that the show will figure all this out. I wouldn’t even be sad if I found out next season was its last, if I just knew that they were going to wrap it up right, get back to what they did well, and make me happy. Yeah, it’s all about me. Who’d you think it was about? Nielsen families? It should also be said that if shit gets fucked up and the show doesn’t work out the kinks, I will blame Pier (aka “Bernardo”). And then I will kill him. Hear that, Bernardo? Kill you dead.

  • Josh and I saw two different movies this past weekend. I saw Woody Allen’s Melinda and Melinda. I haven’t the slightest idea what he watched.

  • Strangely, America’s favorite barrel chested Nazi sympathizer (not a reference to his having worked in the Nixon White House), Patrick J. Buchanan, now doesn’t think the Nazis were all that great. Say what? What happened to the Pat Buchanan I grew to love over the years? Hmmm? I guess back then they were bad, but when they’re all old, picking at their sauerkraut, bemoaning the Jew run media in their Long Island kitchenette and they get arrested by some bad ass Jews from Simon Wiesenthal (much to the shock of daughter Jessica Lange) they’re not so bad? Shrug. We here at the OV love PB. If you are going to be a fascistic loon, be honest about it, fill out all the necessary registration paperwork, so we know where you are, and go about your business making ad nauseum appearances on MSNBC shows that you don’t host and will not be allowed to host out of fear of another cancellation by way of your mere presence on the set as host and/or co-host with some loose bit of stool like Bill Press. We have no patience for the covert or the subtle. Scream and yell and pound your fist. We like our fascists red in the face and ready to party. By party, we mean a modest dinner party with fellow members of the master race, not “party,” as in butt fucking Air Force Amy while your dad gets the scorched-by-too-much-vibrator-usage front.

  • Jessica Sierra, she of too many teeth, was voted off Idol last night. This means a couple of things. One, neither I nor Ben will be able to make another comment about her overloaded mouth, her teeth, her strange jaw line or the fact that she kinda sucks. Two, America has made it be known that they will not have another Diana Degarmo sullying their favorite singing contest/slave auction. They will, however, continue to allow dreadlocked, pious douchebags ruin everyone’s good time with their self righteous preening. Three, America continues to endorse that goon with the trach scar. Fuck you, America.

  • Wednesday, March 30, 2005

    Hehe, he said womenfolk

    "Ann Coulter is logical, rational and an independent thinker. In essence, everything the left hates in their womenfolk." - John Altevogt, "GOP activist," on Ann Coulter (real, not "Talking Doll"), following her recent speech at Kansas University, where she was heckled and paid for $25,000 for her efforts

    Monday, March 28, 2005

    Dawn of the Dead

    I'm sick of everything Schiavo too, but this made me laugh:

    "The immediate crisis has apparently passed. But all through Easter Sunday, one had to be alert to the possibility that, at any moment, the late and long-dead Terri Schiavo would receive the stigmata on both palms and both feet and be wafted across the Florida strait, borne up by wonder-working dolphins, to be united in eternal bliss with the man-child Elián González." - Christopher Hitchens

    Monday, March 21, 2005

    Quote of the Day

    "Whether Terri Schiavo will live or die in the coming days has come down to this: Can federal district judge James Whittemore set aside virtually every bedrock constitutional principle on which this nation was founded, just so members of the United States Congress may constitutionalize the nowhere-to-be-found legal principle that a "culture of life" is a good thing?

    This morning's decision by Congress and President Bush—to authorize new federal legislation that will obliterate years of state court litigation, and justify re-inserting a feeding tube into Terri Schiavo, based on new and illusory federal constitutional claims—is not about law. It is congressional activism, plain and simple; legislative overreaching and hubris taken to absurd extremes.

    Let's be clear: The piece of legislation passed late last night, the so-called "Palm Sunday Compromise," has nothing whatever to do with the rule of law. The rule of law in this country holds that this is a federalist system—in which private domestic matters are litigated in state, not federal courts. The rule of law has long provided that such domestic decisions are generally made by competent spouses, as opposed to parents, elected officials, popular referendum, or the demands of Randall Terry. The rule of law also requires a fundamental separation of powers—in which legislatures do not override final, binding court decisions solely because the outcome is not the one they like. The rule of law requires comity between state and federal courts—wherein each respects and upholds the jurisdiction and authority of the other. The rule of law requires that we look skeptically at legislation aimed at mucking around with just one life to the exclusion of any and all similarly situated individuals." - Dahlia Lithwick

    Friday, March 18, 2005


  • The Catamounts just fucked up your bracket.

  • Drew Rosenhaus is pre-Dorothy Boyd Jerry Maguire. Jay Mohr's still his bitch. He still sport fucks Kelly Preston in his kitchen (or any other room in his cold, loveless residence that he so desires) and he can flash that full wattage, scary smile like no one else (hidden scientological agendas behind every bonded, pearly white chomper), not even him. He slicks his hair back like Riley and probably drives a Lamborghini, fully committing to the character he sees himself as or the one we believe him to be in our Simpson/Bruckheimer infused fantasies. (The skies are orange. The chopper blades move in slo-mo.) He can publicly fool the Buffalo Bills at the NFL Draft with some cell phone trickery, and make a team, after its four Super Bowl losses and fruitless pitchfork and torch laden search for Scott Norwood, that has a short fuse for such shenanigans, get down on their knees and thank Rosenhaus for giving them the stud running back with questionable health that they knew they needed even if it took a three card monty style gag to make them know it. It's very likely that Drew will eventually take over a small island nation by way of a non-violent coup and quickly name himself king for life, but until that day, he's still thriving in his chosen profession. This week, he convinced the Giants that not only were they wrong to have halted their pursuit of free agent WR Plaxico Burress, but that in their second pursuit, they should pay him more. He's an evil genius, and sooner or later, the Giants are likely to thank him for making them realize that they needed to show him the money.

  • At a party, back in the day, I puked on a friend of mine, after one or six too many vodka shots. At the time, I felt bad about the whole thing, that I ruined his shirt (despite expert dry cleaning, he refused to ever wear it again), and generally felt embarassed about being the guy who puked at the party, and on someone no less. I ended up dating the girl who helped me to the bathroom and through the whole experience. There's ample irony in that relationship beginning with the act of vomiting, but that's another story for another time, if ever. Point is, I've gotten over my embarassment, and now knowing what I know about the guy I puked on, I'm actually pretty glad I did it. I consider it one of the finer small achievements of my young life. Yeah, that's right. Now, if I knew Peggy Noonan, and I mean personally and more than just in that "oh, God, Peggy Noonan's on Hardball lecturing in that Algebra teacher who dresses like a Pilgrim tone," I'd probably be very, very proud to puke all over her precisely tailored Chanel suit. I'm just sayin'. If I knew her. (Hat tip to TMFTML)

  • ShoWest Posters. Aeon Flux, Everything is Illuminated, Eros, etc. Oh, and taglines. Lots and lots of silly taglines. (via AICN)

  • Old news made new

    Reason's Jacob Sollum hates on Hillary:
    Clinton bragged about her support for the 1996 law that forced TV manufacturers to install the "V chip," which can be used to block programs with certain ratings. Yet the Kaiser survey found only 6 percent of parents were using this much-heralded tool for screening out inappropriate material.

    In fact, most kids reported their parents had no TV rules, while most of the rest said the rules usually were not enforced. Two-thirds had TV sets in their bedrooms. Most said their parents didn't restrict video games either. Regarding the Internet, Clinton herself said "parental control technology exists, but it is underutilized."
    Clinton apparently based the majority of her "outrage" on a recent Kaiser Family Foundation report, leading to such conclusions as:
    "Exposing our children to so much of this unchecked media is a kind of contagion," a "silent epidemic" that threatens "long-term public health damage to many, many children and therefore to society."
    Silent epidemics are much, much cooler than loud, noisy ones like those which members of Congress believe can best be treated with religion and promotion of abstinence, save for marriage, unless, of course, we are discussing the Santorum type of marriage, where sex is forbidden, except when the intent is to produce another demon spawn from his likely wretched wife's womb. Maybe I'm being redundant. Anyway, Sollum ends his piece with a bang:
    Clinton wants to "find ways to re-empower parents" who are not using the power they have. Could it be they simply are not as worried about their kids's entertainment choices as Clinton thinks they should be?

    "I hope we can do more to educate parents on media literacy," said Clinton, who also wants to give them "guidance in using the filtering technologies." The village is determined to help you raise your child.
    My fragile little mind...still warped.

    Cats and Dogs Living Together

    Take a deep breath. Count backwards from 10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1. I miss Michael Powell already. There. I said it. It's out in the open. Now that Kevin Martin has been named the new commissioner of the FCC, I'm starting to feel like I never appreciated Powell enough. I was too into my own stuff, and I took for granted his many charms. Sure, he had bad hips, which made the sex not so good, and explained why he always had to fly first class on his frequent trips to Vegas and New Orleans, with me back in coach, hating him for his haughtiness, but now, I just wish...I wish I had done so many things differently. Michael, if you're reading this, I'm sorry.

    For a small insight into the mindset of the new commissioner, here's a letter he wrote to one of America's most noted dickless fascists, Brent L. Bozell. (You may think the dickless part of that slur was a bit much. I only say it because Bozell strangely resembles William Atherton's character of Walter Peck in Ghostbusters. Peck, like Bozell, was said to "have no dick." I cannot prove the truth of this in regards to Bozell, nor do I hope to ever be in a position to do so. But I felt it my obligation to clarify that I can only prove the fascist part.)
    Kevin J. Martin, Commissioner
    Federal Communications Commission
    445 12th Street, SW
    Washington, DC 20554

    Mr. Brent L. Bozell, III
    Founder and President
    Parents Television Council
    325 South Patrick
    Alexandria, VA 22314

    July 8, 2003

    Dear Brent,
    First, I want to thank the Parents Television Council and the many organizations with which you are working for calling attention to the issue of indecency on our airwaves. I share your concern about the increasing coarseness of the programming on television and radio.

    The FCC plays an important role in protecting Americans—particularly children—from obscene and indecent material. We have been charged by Congress to implement its ban against broadcasting obscene or indecent programming, and I take this responsibility seriously.

    I believe the Commission could more effectively implement this statutory mandate. I therefore appreciate the requests and suggestions you made in your April 30 letter regarding specific steps the Commission should make to, as you put it, “show that it is serious about penalizing broadcast indecency.”

    I strongly support your request that we clarify what materials a citizen must provide when submitting an indecency complaint. In a separate statement I wrote in May of 2002, I noted that many consumers had expressed frustration with how we applied our indecency rule, largely because the Commission had placed too high a burden on viewers and listeners by requiring that they include with any complaint a tape or transcript of the program in question. I wrote separately to express how pleased I was that the Commission finally was clarifying that a tape or transcript is not required. Unfortunately, there is still some confusion over this issue. People should not need to submit a tape or transcript with a complaint; such a requirement is overly burdensome. I certainly support making this clear on our website.

    I also support your request that the Commission commit to resolving indecency complaints within a specific time frame. In fact, in a speech I gave in February of 2002, I called on the agency to place such deadlines on all of our agency complaints. All parties – consumers as well as the companies we regulate – deserve timely responses to the issues that concern them.

    I agree that we need to impress upon the industry that we are serious about enforcing our indecency rules. Statutory changes to the maximum fine we can levy would help, but we do not need to wait for Congress to tighten our penalties. There are steps we can take now. For instance, in a separate statement I issued last April, I urged the Commission to impose a higher fine on the licensee at issue. I explained that we could have considered each instance of indecent material, even within a single program, to constitute a separate violation. Our practice of considering all indecent utterances occurring within the same program (or even the same day) to be just one “violation” can have the perverse result of giving a licensee a “free pass” for what can be several hours of programming once the broadcaster has made one indecent comment. With no repercussions flowing from subsequent violations, our practice actually could create an incentive to continue broadcasting indecent material. I do not think this is what Congress intended when it instructed us to prohibit indecent “utterances.”

    Classifying each indecent utterance as a separate violation could result in significantly higher fines for many complaints. Congressional action raising the statutory limit of each indecency fine also would help. Together, these steps could create a sufficient disincentive to violating our indecency regulations that broadcasters would vigilantly monitor their programming and emphasize to their on-air talent that indecent material is not to be tolerated.

    Finally, I understand your frustration with the Commission practice of treating multiple complaints about the same program as one complaint. When concerned citizens take the time to file a complaint, we should treat and address each complaint. And when thousands of complaints are filed about the same program, the Commission should not only take notice, but also account for each complaint separately when publicly reporting the number of complaints the Commission receives.

    The vast majority of broadcasters are good corporate citizens, providing a valuable service to their community and complying with all of our rules, including those regulating indecent programming. Nevertheless, the increase in questionable programming during the hours when children are likely to be watching and listening cannot be overlooked. The Commission must take seriously its obligation to prohibit such programming. Again, I thank the Parents Television Council for your attention to this cause, and look forward to working with my colleagues at the Commission to improve the manner in which we implement and enforce our indecency rules.

    Kevin J. Martin

    cc: Christian Coalition
    Concerned Women for America
    Kids First Coalition
    Culture and Family Institute
    Morality in Media
    Family Research Council
    Citizens for Community Values
    American Mothers
    Salvation Army
    Kevin Martin is the new man in charge. 10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1. Oy.

    Thursday, March 17, 2005


    "Woody Allen is a problem director. He's frighteningly prolific: He writes a movie a year whether he has anything to share with world or not, and he has little problem getting top actors to submit to his disciplined production schedule. So much is streaming out of him—and yet, on the basis of his films, so little is coming in. His ideas about comedy and drama turn out to be banal—and he still can't bring himself to regard comedy as anything but a diversion on the way to the grave, a necessary opiate.

    This is what happens when a once-vital artist stews in his own juices for too long. Comedy, drama, it makes no difference. The well they both come is stagnant." - David Edelstein on Woody's latest, Melinda and Melinda

    Wednesday, March 16, 2005

    Quote of the Day

    "During their first live perf in over a year, Chris Paltrow forgot the words to "Politik." I say cut the effing student some slack. Some say it's harder to rock when your gawky bird is bitching at you from the front row to pick up some maxi pads from CVS after the show. " - your Uncle Grambo

    Monday, March 14, 2005

    Quote of the Day

    "The state's protracted denial of equal protection cannot be justified simply because such constitutional violation has become traditional." - California State Superior Court Judge, Richard Kramer on California's ban on gay marriage.

    The Whole World is Watching

    "We are coming to liberate our country. We are coming to demand the truth." - Fatma Trad, one of the 800,000 to 2 million Lebanese who gathered in Beirut today for a rally for Lebanon's independence and a complete Syrian pullout.

    When I got up this morning, and until I left for work, the only cable news channel that had covered this momentous event was CNN, with Anderson Cooper live from Beirut. Both MSNBC and FOX seemed obsessed with ad nauseum coverage of the Atlanta court shooting hostage and her religiously infused story of survival. FOX went a few steps further, adding the following to their docket as stories more important than the aforementioned rally for freedom:
  • Michael Jackson's pajama party molestation trial
  • a topless protest
  • an empty report of "new" findings in the UN oil-for-food scandal
  • Mario Vasquez quitting American Idol
  • Carmen Electra's new recurring role on the WB's Summerland and how she may or may not love golden showers from her husband
  • No matter what, the scene in Beirut is incredible

    Not (Tit)illating Enough

    The FCC rules on the MNF scandal:
    We conclude that the material in question is not patently offensive, and thus, not indecent. In particular, the “Monday Night Football” segment, although sexually suggestive, is not graphic or explicit. Owens is fully dressed throughout the segment, and, with the exception of a moment when her bare back is exposed to the audience, Sheridan is at all times fully covered with a towel. No sexual or excretory organs are shown or described, and no sexual activities are explicitly depicted or described. Furthermore, the scene where Sheridan drops her towel and jumps into Owens’s arms is brief. Although the scene apparently is intended to be titillating, it simply is not graphic or explicit enough to be indecent under our standard.
    In compliance with FCC standards and practices, I flushed a lot of someone else's money down the office toilet. It should be noted that I was fully clothed during this exercise and none of my sexual or excretory organs were exposed, at least no more than they usually are. (via Buzz Machine)

    Thursday, March 10, 2005

    You've warped my fragile little mind

    Today, in another effort to make me go crazy, Senators Hillary Clinton ("liberal," keen on co-opting fascist viewpoints if they poll well), Sam Brownback (fascist, eager to rid the airwaves of radio hosts whose programs have never once aired in the state he "represents"), Joe Lieberman (fascist, too worthless to get angry about all over again), and Rick Santorum (head fascist in charge, desperate to control where and when all citizens can engage in any kind of sexual contact, be it with someone of the same sex, opposite sex, or their re-election staff, and, most notably, when broken down and examined, two parts fecal matter, one part ejaculant, and a dash of sexy) got together to propose another ratings system for video games, presumably to take the place of or work in conjuction with the system already in place. Clinton, utilizing the tools her husband so craftily worked with while president, made the issue not so much about "morality" or "family values" or "good, old fashioned puritanical zealotry," but an issue of "public health."
    "It is a little frustrating when we have this data that demonstrates there is a clear public health connection between exposure to violence and increased aggression that we have been as a society unable to come up with any adequate public health response."
    Presumably, Sen. Clinton watched 60 Minutes this past Sunday, where in the story of Devin Moore was detailed. Moore killed three men, and his killings were reportedly inspired by Grand Theft Auto. A civil suit now claims the game "trained" him to commit these crimes. Considering the millions of people who've played this game, many of them ad nauseum, I have hunkered down in the old fallout shelter, not wanting to be caught in the crossfire of the forthcoming apocalypse. I mean, considering the intensely scientific and fool proof theories being thrown around in a case like this, I'm sure some fucked up shit's about to go down. But, getting back to Sen. Clinton and her cohorts. Apparently, the current video game ratings system is too confusing and a new, stricter ratings system (along with an enforcement of the rating in stores that sell said games) should be put in place.

    Call me paranoid, but this seems odd to me, as we're now either scrapping an already clear ratings system or adding a new system to rate the present one, all the while pretending that it's confusion or helplessness that has caused so many children to come into possession of these games which train them to become killers. Clearly many parents are buying it for them. Is the kid working at Best Buy (who's surely not of age to sell half the smut trafficked at his place of employment) selling ultra-violent and scandalous video games to his fellow pubescent lizards? Umm, yeah. So, frankly, what will a new ratings system accomplish? Well, you mean, other than provide these twits with another opportunity to prattle on and on and on about morality or the decay of our society and how they need to step in and protect us all (notably, children, as it's all for the kids) from the smut peddlers.

    There's also this hilarious aside in the New York Times piece on HRC's press conference with the three other horsemen:
    The timing of Mrs. Clinton's remarks is noteworthy: She has recently struck moderate themes, imbuing her speeches with references to faith and prayer and placing far less emphasis on polarizing issues like gay marriage and abortion.
    Is this what they mean when they talk about bias? Gosh, what a fair shake for a woman opposed to gay marriage. Yes, she supports civil unions, but in a completely inactive, if you put a gun to my head I won't resist sort of way. And for the woman who has cleverly positioned herself as pro-choice but not radically, all the while promoting abstinence only education with a fair amount of zeal, I can't really see how her rhetoric on said issues should be softened or how they would be "polarizing," except of course if we are meant only to exist in the bubble of left and right, where in Hillary represents a preconceived notion more than an actual person with a whole mess of stupid, disgustingly calculated notions, most of which would be damaging to the citzens she claims to serve.

    If any of these people were honest (they're not, but bear with me), they'd just say it. We would like to censor the following blah blah blah because of blah blah blah. It is in the best interest of the country and our children. Constitution be damned, censorship is the new hotness. If we are in need of a ratings system to rate our ratings system, we might as well just simplify and burn some books. Just ask Al Gore, that shit keeps you warm.

    Saturday, March 05, 2005

    Quote of the Day

    "They say it makes your testicles shrink. I can tell you my testicles are the same size. They haven't shrunk. They're the same and work just the same as they always have." - Barry Bonds

    The House Down the Road from Real Life

  • "Is A Cinema Studies Degree the New M.B.A.?" The piece (by Elizabeth Van Ness) has no real thesis (especially when regarding the title), but seems to state the obvious, by way of anecdotal evidence, that film majors don't all want to work in the industry or that a film degree and the skills acquired in obtaining said degree can be applied to other industries in the marketplace. I didn't know this was news or that people thought Holywood or the idea of "Hollywood" was the only place where people could or would think to utilize filmic techniques. And in my favorite aside:
    In recent weeks, members of a Baltimore street gang circulated a DVD that warned against betrayal, packaged in a cover that appeared to show three dead bodies. That and the series of gruesome execution videos that have surfaced in the Middle East are perhaps only the most extreme face of a complex sort of post-literacy in which cinematic visuals and filmic narrative have become commonplace.
    Bum Fights = the future.

  • Britney sucks.

  • I think I see M.C. Hammer in my loaf of bread. (via Catchdubs)

  • Pennsylvania state treasurer, Bob Casey will challenge Rick Santorum for his Senate seat in '06. I've done some reasearch on this and "Casey" as far as I can tell has no coded sexual connotation. A name synonymous with "striking out" isn't exactly the best for anal leakage jokes. But we here at the OV are sure we as Americans can find new and exciting terminology for anal leakage if presented with the challenge of a Santorum-less Senate. We will survive. (Via Sully)

  • Friday, March 04, 2005

    Oscar Goodman, Mayor of the OV

    Las Vegas Mayor Oscar Goodman does it all for the kids:
    After reading to the class, one student asked Mayor Goodman if he could take one thing with him on a deserted island, what would it be. The Mayor replied that it would be a bottle of gin. And when a student later asked Mayor Goodman what one of his hobbies was, the Mayor said 'drinking.'"
    Sin City is in good hands. (via Hit and Run)

    Thursday, March 03, 2005

    Blogger of the Day

    I fear that Democrats, as they're wont to do, won't fight fascists like Sen. Ted Stevens while they attempt to piss all over the First Amendment. It's nice to hear from some Republicans that they see this as ridiculous/horrifying bullshit. John Thorpe blogs:
    I will put it as clearly as I can -- in case the old dingbat Senator cannot understand it. This is not why we elected you. We elected you to cut taxes, fix the entitlements, and kill terrorists -- and not in that order. That's it. No one elected you to make sure that some busybody housewife in Ames, Iowa isn't offended because Bart Simpson said "shit" or whatever the outrage du jour is this week.

    And if the rest of my Republican friends won't tell her I will -- None of this crap means anything if, in 20 years, our old people have no retirement funds and the terrorists have melted Chicago. Got it? Janet Jackson's half-nipple is nothing compared to suitcase nukes and full Social Security collapse. Priorities, people.
    He goes on:
    Frankly, I'm tired of having to do the Chris Rock, blacks vs n-word routine everytime politics comes up. "Who me, no, I'm not one of those Republicans." Stop it. STOP IT. You're not the majority anywhere north of Kentucky or west of Texas, except, perhaps, Grand Rapids. Everywhere else you are the unloved, unwanted middle child of the GOP. We're stuck with you because you're half-right -- i.e. you support smaller government when it comes to fiscal matters. But you're also half-wrong -- i.e. you stick your beak into everyone's business.

    If a woman wants to zap the sixteen dividing cells in her womb -- it's none of your business. It's a difficult enough decision to make without some drooling un-a-womber stalking the doctor's office.

    If a couple of my friends decide that they're willing to commit to each other, who gives a crap if they're both guys? Love is hard enough to find in this world -- why make it any harder for people to keep that which they've found? You don't like it? Don't do it. But don't trash someone else's life because you're too insecure to deal with your own.

    Also, I certainly don't need some asshat counting the number of allowable nipple shots on the series finale of The Sopranos. As an adult, I am more than capable of determining whether or not a program is suitable for my viewing pleasure. Also, please read the First Amendment -- it applies to more than your Bible and that classy, "Drinkers are Sinners" sandwich board your idiot friend Rick wears around college campuses.

    And as a some-day parent, I am horrified by the thought that so many are willing to abdicate our most basic responsiblity -- the upbringing of our young -- to a government agency. You don't want your kid watching boobies on the boob tube? God -- even your miserable, spiteful version of a god -- created the remote control. (thank you, Jeff Jarvis) Use the damn thing. Magically, all the TV boobies go away if you're in the room supervising (aka parenting, parents).

    Better yet, spend some time with your offspring doing something other than watching TV. Go burn a cross or protest an AIDS funeral or whatever you people do after church in Oklahoma.
    Thank you.

    Wednesday, March 02, 2005


    In my opinionation, Joey Lawrence: (a) will now haunt my dreams, (b) needs to lay off the cream, the clear, and all other items from the isle of Balco, (c) has taken his love for Rocky Horror one step OVER THE LINE (Smokey), (d) needs our help, all of us, even those of us who may look at this picture and laugh until it hurts, this, of course, after gasping at the horror that is this picture, (e) all of the above.

    (via The Lux)

    Futurotic Heteronormativity

    Today, we said farewell to my boss. His departure was preceded by 8 months to a year of gross ineptitude on both the professional and interpersonal level. He fucked up and the staff hated him. For about two hours today, we all pretended to be all broken up about his leaving. Some made speeches and others nodded along to portions of those speeches as if to say, "so true, so true." He'll officially be out of the office on Monday, and I'm sure a flood of stories will come out of all the evil yentas I work with on just how much they hate him, how much they hated the farewell luncheon, etc. He'll never know. They'll never know how disgusting they are even if they're right. As the only male in the front office, I have the pleasure of being addressed in the group greeting of "ladies." My boss has no idea how lucky he is. I wish him well. And for his sake, I hope to never see him again.
  • What happens when you have a rumored lesbian (intent on disproving said rumors on every public appearance she makes by reminding us all just how much she craves her famous and also rumored to be gay husband's cock fortnightly) host Harvard's Cultural Rhythms show and talk about relationships? Heteronormativity.

  • "Space Age" vibrating: Rotten's Guide to Sex Dolls. This site leads me to have more questions than answers. What is a "futurotic" vagina? Is there a better name for anal lubricant than "tush push?" (Answer: No.) Is shipping and handling included? (via Fleshbot)

  • Reason's Michael Young rips former Kerry campaign advisor Flynt Leverett's piece in the New York Times on Bush administration policy towards Syria. In response to this from Leverett:
    The Bush administration can elicit more sustained improvements in Syrian behavior on Iraq and terrorism by using the threat of intensified criticism of Syrian hegemony in Lebanon - including Security Council action - as a badly needed stick in the repertoire of policy options toward Syria. Washington should also not be afraid to spell out for Mr. Assad the carrots it would offer in return for greater cooperation. In so doing, President Bush could more effectively pursue some of his most important objectives for the region while tangibly improving the lives of ordinary Lebanese.
    Young fires back with my favorite bit:
    The decoder please. Use Lebanon to soften the Syrians in Iraq, but don't insist on their full withdrawal from Lebanon. Instead give Syria "carrots" there, and keep them on hand so you can take a stick to them to advance interests elsewhere. But because Leverett doesn't want to appear too crass in suggesting that Lebanese desires for liberty and independence be ignored, he earlier offers a consolation, namely "a freer Lebanese electoral process" (why not just "free"?).

    Evidently Leverett doesn't own a television set either. Did he not notice that hundreds of thousands of Lebanese have been demanding that Syria leave, that it take it's army and intelligence agents with it, and that it stay away? Did he not notice that Syria in Lebanon necessarily means unfair elections--parliamentary and municipal? I know, I've followed every single one in detail since 1992. If Leverett can break away from Brookings, where he has been deposited, he might even learn that Lebanon's Shiite "street" is as eager to see the Syrians depart as anybody else, even if they do not desire Hezbollah's disarmament under what is perceived as U.S. threats. That's why the party's secretary-general, Hassan Nasrallah, started meeting with Lebanese opposition figures today.
    Ouch. (Also from Young: "Free At Last".)

  • In the trailer to A Lot Like Love, Amanda Peet walks into a closed sliding glass door. She also falls in love with Ashton Kutcher. The difference is subtle. Oh, and here's the trailer to Fever Pitch. I'm not gonna lie. If it were about the Mets, I'd be there, no doubt. But it's about the Sawx (don't me wrong, I got love), but it's Barrymore, Fallon, and the inevitable Farrelly touch where in we learn that one or both of them have tails or super smart black children (oh, that's black kids...RAHA). I just don't have the stomach for it.

  • And you thought the Paris/hacked sidekick/4 1/2 inch Durst weiner story was dead. Well, now, there's the parody.

  • Anna Nicole Smith to play Skeletor in John Woo's He-Man. Trim Spa, baby. Blech. Maybe she'll just disappear. (via Witz)

  • Tuesday, March 01, 2005

    I get paid to jerk off, but you can't pay to do it

    Sen. Ted Stevens (R-Alaska), the chairman of the Senate Commerce Committee and current favorite for "Douchebag of the Week," is the latest elected official to inform those who elected him that they can't be trusted to make decisions for themselves. Mary Poppins will make the medicine go down:
    The Alaska Republican told reporters at the National Association of Broadcasters' annual state leadership convention that the regulations should also apply to premium services such as HBO.

    "The problem is most viewers don't differentiate between over-the-air and cable," he said. "Cable is a greater violator in the indecency arena."

    Stevens brushed aside constitutional questions about whether the government has the right to regulate indecent speech on pay TV services.

    "I think that's wrong," he said. "I think we have the same power to deal with cable as over the air, because of the combination of the two."

    Since most people receive their TV via cable or satellite, the government has the power to regulate indecent content, he said.
    Not surprisingly, Stevens doesn't even seem to grasp how cable works. (Even if he did, he'd still be a dick.) Few if any basic or expanded basic cable service plans offer HBO, Showtime, and/or Skinemax without the consumer choosing to pay extra per month to have them. (Dirty perverts watching documentaries on methheads in Davenport, IA, softcore with Shannon Tweed as a sexy and endangered cop/psychiatrist, and that smut where all those filthy I-talians curse. You know who you are, you filthy bastards. If it weren't for those goddamn homos trying to get married, we'd be way angrier about all this. But we're angry. Ohhhh yeah, we're angry. By the way, did you, ummm, TiVo that Shannon Tweed movie? Lieberman, Brownback and I were thinking of having a, uh, joint session of the self manipulation committee, and, we were, uh, thinking of having, uh, visual aids to, uh, hammer home the point.) This sort of broad, mildly fascistic, boner-for-censorship style of thinking would naturally also extend to Pay-per-view. I sure hope Stevens brings up a bill on this issue. It sure is great when both parties put aside their differences to work together to make everything suck. (via Buzz Machine)

    Also, check out The Nation's John Nichols piece on the bipartisan war against the First Amendment. (via Hit and Run)