Tuesday, May 31, 2005

The First Lady of Shea

Kris Benson goes for his fourth straight victory tonight against the D-Backs. Benson is slightly less famous than his wife, Anna Benson, who infamously went on Howard Stern last year and announced that if her husband cheated, she'd fuck every one of the Mets, even Heath Bell. But, frankly, I think Anna's kind of charming, in a brash, in your face sort of way:
“My parents were so mean to me, they wouldn’t let me have a dog or any pets. I was a lonely latchkey kid.” She dropped out of school after the tenth grade and left home when she was sixteen. “I was a dancer in the Atlanta strip clubs, the Mardi Gras and the Cheetah,” she said. “I had a baby and then a husband when I was seventeen. Kris was playing on a triple-A club then, the Nashville Sounds. We met in 1998, when I was dancing at the Mardi Gras. He said to me, ‘You don’t belong here.’ We had that immediate physical attraction for each other. But I wouldn’t sleep with him. I wouldn’t introduce him to my family or to my child. I made him work hard. I made him suffer. You have to make them suffer.” Eventually, they got married, on their own, in Maui. “Kris is the absolute epitome. He doesn’t drink much, doesn’t smoke, doesn’t kick or scream or cuss. And he married a harlot. It’s an interesting dynamic. The yin and the yang, for sure.”
There's more from Shea's power couple:
“The thing about Kris is, he has never tried to make me conform; he lets me be who I am. In Georgia, they’re so judgmental. It’s real Bible Belt. I was terrible until I got with Kris. He put the glow on me. He’s the most real person I know. Kris can do self-hypnosis, he’s so in tune with his body. When I came to him, I had nothing—two pairs of panties and one bra. Suddenly, I found I was married to a millionaire. It was always in the back of my mind: I’d better not get too comfortable with good things. But Kris took me by the shoulders and put his face close to mine.” She illustrated. “He said, ‘You can choose to live your life happy or you can choose to live your life miserable. I choose to live my life happy, so what are you going to do?’ ” She held up her left hand to show a diamond-encrusted Rolex. “It’s got diamonds, but as a watch it’s crap, doesn’t keep time,” she said.
If only Victor Zambrano had a wife like Anna. We might all be able to forget that Duquette gave up Scott Kazmir for him. Or not. Couldn't hurt.

Fiddle me this

"I like Entourage about as much as I like bleeding from my mouth." - Spencer

Fair and Balanced Quote of the Day

FOX News London Bureau Chief Scott Norvell slips:
Even we at Fox News manage to get some lefties on the air occasionally, and often let them finish their sentences before we club them to death and feed the scraps to Karl Rove and Bill O'Reilly. And those who hate us can take solace in the fact that they aren't subsidizing Bill's bombast; we payers of the BBC license fee don't enjoy that peace of mind. Fox News is, after all, a private channel and our presenters are quite open about where they stand on particular stories. That's our appeal. People watch us because they know what they are getting. The Beeb's institutionalized leftism would be easier to tolerate if the corporation was a little more honest about it.
The best thing about this is that in a few weeks, I can imagine that some left leaning journalist will go on The O'Reilly Factor or Hannity and Colmes and they'll say this is a flat out admission of conservative bias on the part of FOX and either Hannity or Bill (being the good soldiers that they are) will yell and scream at them and parse words, since, after all, Norvell never explicitly says conservative bias. It's not a question of whether FOX is conservative, but how one defines the word "is," I think.

Saturday, May 28, 2005

Prioritize

As always. Homeland Security is ON IT:
Agents shut down a popular Web site that allegedly had been distributing copyrighted music and movies, including versions of Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. Homeland Security agents from several divisions served search warrants on 10 people around the country suspected of being involved with the Elite Torrents site, and took over the group's main server. The agency said it was the first criminal enforcement action aimed at copyright infringers who use the popular BitTorrent file-swapping technology.
The force is with you, douchebags. I just hope that none of these technologically aware agents are gay, because we can't have gay guys sullying the sanctified process of rousing nerds out of bed and taking their shit. No no. Stick those dumb queers in a room and make them translate the Arabic. That'll teach them to defy G-O-D. Oh, shit, wait a second... (via Sully)

Friday, May 27, 2005

Shaken, not stirred

"This was exactly his demeanor when I ran into him last Tuesday on the sidewalk of Constitution Avenue, outside the Dirksen Senate Office Building, where he was due to testify before the subcommittee that has been uncovering the looting of the U.N. Oil-for-Food program. His short, cocky frame was enveloped in a thicket of recording equipment, and he was holding forth almost uninterrupted until I asked him about his endorsement of Saddam Hussein's payment for suicide-murderers in Israel and the occupied territories. He had evidently been admirably consistent in his attention to my humble work, because he changed tone and said that this was just what he'd expect from a "drink-sodden ex-Trotskyist popinjay." It takes a little more than this to wound your correspondent--I could still hold a martini without spilling it when I was "the greatest polemicist of our age" in 2001--but please note that the real thrust is contained in the word "Trotskyist." Galloway says that the worst day of his entire life was the day the Soviet Union fell. His existence since that dreadful event has involved the pathetic search for an alternative fatherland. He has recently written that, "just as Stalin industrialised the Soviet Union, so on a different scale Saddam plotted Iraq's own Great Leap Forward." I love the word "scale" in that sentence. I also admire the use of the word "plotted." - Hitch on George Galloway

Nooner


Happy Memorial Day weekend, y'all.
  • Clones dig velcro.

  • "My Eighth Grade Dance: An Open Apology" (via TMN)

  • Some Dawson's Creek cast members allow their publicists to sell them into white slavery and pose as Tom Cruise's "love," while others read Bret Easton Ellis' forthcoming Lunar Park for the book on tape. Dawson wins this round. (via Not An Exit)

  • Trixie hearts Ernest Lehman. You should too. He's got skills, writing and/or co-writing: North by Northwest, Sabrina, Sweet Smell of Success, and the adaptation of Edward Albee's Who's Afraid of Virgina Woolf. Supa dupa best.

  • Goodbye, TV. My name's not Michael Vaughn either. (In regards to the finale of Alias and rumors that season 5 will be the last season, I can think of no better way to end the show than how they hinted they might end with Wednesday night's cliffhanger. Symmetry, people. Symmetry. The beginning is the end.) And, on Lost, did the bird/hawk really say Hurley as it flew away? Yowza.

  • Thursday, May 26, 2005

    Quote of the Day or How Smiling Cured My Cancer

    "It was humorous to see how quickly Newsweek lost its cachet with Middle America. So long as it went about its usual revolting Neanderthal literary mission—wrapping 4000 words of inane speculations about the historical Jesus around breathless updates on the value of Martha Stewart stock (Pie Chart, p. 37!), and startling new insights about "the real George Washington"—no one had any problem with Newsweek.

    An ethical magazine is one that uses up its news pages asking questions like Can smiling prevent cancer? and makes sure at least twice each calendar year to do a "What the fuck is wrong with our ungrateful, disobedient children?" story, so that angry suburban parents have something to read in the doctor's office while they wait to have their bunions shaved. That—plus the occasional feature on Shrek 2 as the crowning achievement of the human creative impulse, and the odd investigation into why cell phones in restaurants are so darn annoying—is what good journalism is all about." - The New York Press' Matt Taibbi (Hat tip to Ben)

    Wednesday, May 25, 2005

    I'm a doctor

    In Eyes Wide Shut, Tom Cruise played Dr. Bill Harford. In Kubrick's dreamscape, Dr. Bill could go anywhere and do anything simply by flashing his i.d. Now, when not jumping up and down on a couch, declaring his hetero love for Katie Holmes, Cruise is playing doctor in response to Brooke Shields' use of Paxil:
    "Here is a woman, and I care about Brooke Shields because I think she is an incredibly talented woman. You look at, where has her career gone? These drugs are dangerous. I have actually helped people come off. When you talk about postpartum, you can take people today, women, and what you do is you use vitamins. There is a hormonal thing that is going on, scientifically, you can prove that. But when you talk about emotional, chemical imbalances in people, there is no science behind that. You can use vitamins to help a woman through those things."
    Despite what you might think from reading this, women can't fight through postpartum depression by listening to Vitamin C. There is still no benefit from doing that.

    Tuesday, May 24, 2005

    Quote of the Day

    "The experience of watching Revenge of the Sith is akin to finally getting over the girlfriend you loved with every inch of your soul all those years ago who dumped you for the type of guy you despise the most, one who is not only blessed with good looks and magnetic charm, but has a life full of endless good fortune, where things just literally fall into his lap without his needing to lift a finger, and though he treated her like garbage she stayed with him even when he slept with both of her sisters and you built up hopes that she would finally come back to you but she only phoned you to tell you that she was moving to Paris with the guy and she would have loved to see you one last time but wanted to spare you the pain. Or something like that." - Filmbrain

    Swing and a miss

    Mets catcher Mike Piazza on meeting Rush Limbaugh, during yesterday's Mets/Braves game in Hotlanta:
    "It was like meeting George Washington."
    Balls.

    Friday, May 20, 2005

    Quote(s) of the Day

    In between popping pills and banging CNN anchors, Rush Limbaugh tackles race and class issues:
    I was on the first cup of coffee and we were talking about this incredible sight yesterday of Barbara Boxer lecturing Judge Janice Rogers Brown. Here's this white, wealthy, elitist liberal from San Francisco -- I think she's actually from Marin -- lecturing a black daughter of sharecroppers who has risen on her own to become a member of the California Supreme Court, Janice Rogers Brown.
    In response, Wonkette's Greg Beato throws down:
    See, Rush doesn't judges people on the color of their color. He judges people on the content of their color. Or something like that. Just for the record, though, Boxer grew up in a "lower-middle-class" neighborhood in that part of Marin also known as Brooklyn, New York. And at some point in Rogers Brown's youth -- details are sketchy -- her dad joined the Air Force. Then, in 1977, Rogers Brown graduated from law school and became a deputy counsel for the California State Legislature. So presumably she's been living a middle-class life or better for at least, oh, thirty years or so. Still, you've gotta hand it to Rush. A vision of America where a 56-year-old woman who's held important, high-powered jobs for nearly three decades can grow up to become "a black daughter of sharecroppers"? That's pretty inspiring.
    Ditto.

    I miss hating you

    Reggie Miller played his final game last night, after a long career with only one team, the Indiana Pacers. A rarity in sports, Miller, like John Stockton, at one point or another, likely turned down more money to stay with the small market team that drafted him. That’s the sound of one hand clapping, if you missed it. Good for him. Bravo. Suck it. I hate Reggie Miller in all his pushing Greg Anthony in the back to score eight points in the final :30 to beat the Knicks at MSG only to eventually lose the series after the Starks miss and the Ewing follow sent Indy home and the Knicks to the Finals v. Houston. I hate all the actor-y bullshit he pulls every time he plays, working the refs, jerking his body around like an epileptic desperate not just to hit his shot but to be fouled in the act and to feign outrage at either result, be it in his favor or not. But that said, hating Miller means nothing to me anymore. I hate him because of a rivalry long past. I hate Miller now because he reminds me of how much more fun it used to be to hate him when hating him meant something. Now, it’s petty and infantile and even if it’s always been petty and infantile, well, fine, point taken, but I liked knowing that my hatred of Reggie Miller was rooted in the present, rooted in knowing that he represented an obstacle, a worthy foe, an obnoxiously talented charlatan, skilled not just at his profession but at making others in said field look foolish when he pulled his shenanigans again and again and again, as opposed to an unfortunate reminder of what used to be. It’s good that Reggie’s leaving now. I’ve run out of reasons to despise him. (This nicely summarizes reason #1,275,643 to loathe the Dolans, Scott Layden, and Isaiah Thomas for what they’ve done and are doing to the Knicks. Oh, and Bernardo, shut the fuck up.)

    Wednesday, May 18, 2005

    Quote of the Day II

    "Can anyone tell me, are they going to bring back the draft? I have three sons -- all nearly teenagers -- and am terrified that they will. Why don't they make it that just Republican kids get called up?" - Kathryn Ireland, "contributing" to The Huffington Post (via Hit and Run)

    Quote of the Day

    "I think shareholders are the great evil of this modern world." - Coldplay's Chris Martin, in between bemoaning his success and later referring to the nature of that success as something resembling slavery. Once trade is made fair, I sure hope someone can find the time to make rock stardom slightly better. At the very least, for the children. Enslaving our kids with lavish contracts, mounds of success, and enough self importance to choke themselves, is no legacy to leave.

    Tuesday, May 17, 2005

    The Robert Goulet Business Plan

    From The New Yorker:
    Goulet isn’t sure what he’ll do after his run in “La Cage aux Folles” ends, in January. He would like to get his own room in Las Vegas again, and he hopes someday to win an Academy Award. But, at the moment, he feels grateful for his long career and his good fortune, and he would like to give something back, by teaching. “I’m going to put out a voice-development course, on CD—ten bucks extra for video,” he said. “ ‘Do you want to have a stronger, richer, more powerful voice?’ Something like that. I’ll do the commercials, at least in North America. We can sell it in Mexico and Central and South America, with a guy like Banderas. But I’m not sure if China would even be interested in it. I just don’t know—I mean, with the way they speak.” Goulet scrunched up his eyes and spoke rapid gibberish in a high-pitched nasal singsong, then added, “Japan would probably be the same thing.”

    Goulet said that his course would be aimed at “everyone from nineteen to ninety-three,” though he hoped that it would be of particular benefit to the elderly. (“They spend too much time slumped in front of the TV.”) If there is one lesson that Goulet hopes to convey, he said, it is “No screaming, yelling, or shouting—we must be kind to our cords.”
    Truer words have never been uttered. (via TMN)

    Friday, May 13, 2005

    Happy Birthday, Fearless Leader

    As Fagistan's Minister of Bathhouses, I've seen a lot. As it was once said in the towering cinematic acheivement, 8mm, "there are some things you can't unsee." I look forward to more time at this position, so that I can bring the knowledge I've gained to the more remote regions of the country. No child, not even in our poorest province, should be sans butt plug or unfamiliar with the many varieties of lube offered under our fearless leader's universal health coverage plan. We have failed as the hired goons of a blood thirtsy tyrant, if we cannot provide all our citizens with the most basic of anal pleasures. It has been my pleasure to serve our great leader and I look forward to continuing in this capcity until he sees fit to murder me by firing squad, hanging or, as is most likely, slaughter by tigers. I wish our fearless leader and his many doubles (Squinty, Peg-Leg, Jonesy, Arturo, Cockswain, Dead Head, and Cocksucker Deuce) a very happy birthday! Long live, Fagistan! Long live the king!

    Wednesday, May 11, 2005

    Sweet Nothings



  • Copies of Bret Easton Ellis' soon to be released Lunar Park are on eBay. (via Not An Exit)

  • Is Ione Skye the new Elektra? And does that mean she and Daredevil remain "friends with potential?"

  • The drip's the best part: Jason Mraz's coke nail.

  • She Mars, She Mars



    And that's that. Super best season finale to wrap a fantastic first season. But who's at the door??? (Only click on the link if you know who did it. If you don't...Ben(!)...don't click on the link. So, in that same spirit, if you want to comment on the episode and/or the season, do so, but for those who don't want to know, don't go to the comments page and be patient for the DVDs.) And, following Pier's lead, big ups to Rob Thomas, Diane Ruggiero, and the whole Mars crew. You make it all better.

    Monday, May 09, 2005

    Heaven Can Wait

    Kingdom of Heaven has all sorts of things going for it: an A-list director with a cult of critical forgiveness that even allows for such things as Hannibal, Matchstick Men, and G.I.Jane, a first rate cast of vets led by Orlando Bloom, whose cardboard cutout play acting continues to haunt cinemas unabated, and a script by ultra-hot craftsman William Monahan, who will also be credited as the man behind Martin Scorsese’s next film. It also has relevance in the current political climate, or at least we are meant to believe it does, simply by being “about the Crusades.” But moving on from pre-release hype, there is still a movie to be watched, a movie to bore you to tears, a movie to again prove that storytelling is much more interesting than bland, well worn spectacle, no matter how much oil is dumped on our heads before we’re set ablaze. Arthur Max does fine work creating a lived-in Jerusalem and there are flashes of visual inventiveness, but there is no meat on the bones. Bloom breaks up the William Wallace-face paint-horse ride in front of his men-soon I’ll be tortured and killed which will give me a huge Jesus loving boner speech into three parts, and delivers each with the same lack of verve, making Saladin’s later comment that Jerusalem means everything and nothing not just a comment on the plot. There are enough platitudes to go around, plenty of mustache twisting in the name of evil, and little to no sex, in order to have a few more throat slashings for the kids. I was hoping it’d bomb hard, even if that meant Paris Hilton was deemed “viable,” leading to her remake of Some Like It Hot. But, alas, no such luck. For all the money spent, and all the lavish attention given, combined with the mediocre result, you’d think George Steinbrenner had a hand in the production.

    Friday, May 06, 2005

    Stupid at any speed

    Back in the day, I dated the drum major of my high school's marching band. She was hot, so shut the fuck up right now, bitches. I happened to dig her headgear and frequently would help her pick out new colorful rubber bands for her braces. So, again, shut it. But it's not news that being in the marching band is not exactly the equivalent of sitting at the cool lunch table with the 09ers, but, Jesus H. Christ, must we make it even worse for these poor souls? They can't even play "Louie Louie," because it's "obscene?" Shame on you superintendent Dawning. One can only play so much Sousa. And, after all, the FBI spent two years investigating if the song was truly "obscene," and determined that it wasn't and that the lyrics could not be understood at any speed. (Please read that last bit again, and then take several deep breaths before injuring the nearest co-worker in a fit of rage at the ridiculousness of a two year investigation into "Louie Louie.") Today, the marching band is cooler than superintendent Paula Dawning. This is not good news, Ms. Dawning. It's officially time to worry about your social standing.

    ** UPDATE ** The ban's been lifted. Huzzah!

    Addendum

    A new clause to be added to Isaiah Thomas' contract with the Knicks (via Knickerblogger):
    Should the name "Kwame Brown," or any other reference to the first overall selection of Washington Wizards basketball franchise during the 2001 NBA Draft, be uttered by the undersigned at any future time, and furthermore should such an utterance be preceded by any phrase tantamout to "maybe we should think about," be it hereby resolved that the undersigned will immediately forfeit his employment with the New York Knickerbockers organization along with any and all future compensation.

    Furthermore, the New York Knickerbockers cannot be held liable for any subsequent misfortune or harm visited upon the undersigned by disgruntled patrons of the New York Knickerbockers.
    That's the truth, Ruth.

    The Joy of Jigglevision

    "Maybe the ultimate insult is that she makes her costar, Elisha Cuthbert, seem, by comparison, the sexiest and most interesting actress in modern cinema. Cuthbert was an irritant for three seasons of 24, especially the dire third. In House of Wax, she is a goddess. Those pillowy lips. Those expressive eyes. That Jigglevision that is the remake's answer to 3-D. Hail, Elisha, the new scream queen!" - The Thighmaster David Edelstein