A while back, I was challenged to name the 10 Greatest Jews...well...ever.
(Jesus was #1.) And, now, another challenge from the same source
: name the ten hottest Jewesses. Now, it wasn't explained specifically what kind of parameters I had to work within, other than that I could not include Natalie Portman (obviously, for those too dumb to realize, the hottest Jewess in Jewess history) and Shalom Harlow, because they were obvious, boring choices. Fair enough. (No disrespect to either.) With that in mind, I'm keeping things current (save for one deceased choice who is not Golda Mair). This is what the bar mitzvah is all about, kids...the ladies: 10. Bea Arthur
- So not hot, she's hot. Once upon a time, friends and I discussed starting a clothing line. As part of said clothing line, we'd sell T-shirts adorned with a picture of Bea with "Old School" printed underneath. If you don't think this is the kind of shirt you'd wear, well, you're not part of our target audience. It should be noted that none of the other (goyim) Golden Girls made for good attire. Anyway, Maude makes it. (Other elder stateswomen considered: Lauren Bacall, Anouk Aimee) 9. Elizabeth Berkley
- Strident fictional high school feminist cum fictional Vegas stripper. The best bad actress of our time. As committed to eating french fries, dramatically throwing herself into cars, and fucking Agent Cooper in a pool like no man, Jewish or otherwise, had been or will ever be fucked again, as she likely was to learning her Haftorah.8. Sarah Silverman
- You know how I like my Jewish girls? Casually racist, sex obsessed, and profane. Yeah, yeah, the Jimmy Kimmel thing's depressing and she might be a bit too comfortable with the casual racism as fodder, but whatevs. That rack could make you convert.7. Maggie Gyllenhaal
- I like to think she's the girl who intentionally made out with the Palestinian kid working at the Carvel, just to get under the skin of every yenta in Temple (fill in the blank) Sisterhood.6. Sarah Michelle Gellar
- Vampire slayer with seriously questionable taste in men. But isn't that always the way. Jewish girl goes for dumbass goyim. This goes both ways. Trust me. I know. (Just ask my mom.) But that's not what this list is about, now is it? (Honorable Mention: Selma Blair)5. Shiri Appleby
- Way cute star of parental favorite, Roswell
. (My parents are nerds.) My mom would talk about this girl like she lived across the hall from me or something. How 'bout that Shiri Appleby, Tim? Huh? Huh? (You'd think she was Shana Brandt.) Whatevs. Definitely on the list, even if she's in Swimfan@
. (Honorable Mention: Evan Rachel Wood, Mila Kunis)4. Nigella Lawson
- Domestic goddess. Jewess. Rumor has it, that with every egg she delicately cracks against the edge of a bowl, a young Jewish boy, for a reason he can't right then ascertain, gets a boner. It's a fact. Or so I've heard.3. Marilyn Monroe
- She converted for Arthur Miller. Best. Now, I know how some people feel about converts or Reform Jews...and I'm not going to resort to name calling, you fucking wackos, so don't even try to goad me. For example, Dr. Laura Schleshinger, whose absence from this list should come as no surprise to anyone who's seen her lizard neck, listened to her haterade, heard her refer to Reform Jews as "not real," or had a rock thrown at them for walking around on a Saturday afternoon. Converting is hot. Guys, if you're unaware of this, the ladies aren't. I dated a girl in college, who took it upon herself, at an intimate moment to inform me that she'd convert. Sure, sure, we broke up a few weeks later, on matters completely unrelated to religion, but it's not like her saying that turned me off. And she knew that. And so did Marilyn. Brains and beauty, people. Brains and beauty. 2. Jennifer Jason Leigh
- Owner of the hottest bioport evs. You know what would happen. Hebrew school gets out a little early, and you and she take a walk over to the nearby baseball field. You're in the dugout...some heavy petting...and GOD DAMMIT...you NEURAL SURGED.1. Scarlett Johansson
- Jewish? Really? And, no, this is not some bogus, Jewish by proxy thing because she's Woody Allen's new muse. Nope. Her mother is Jewish. And according to blah blah blah and blah blah blah that means she's official. Seriously, do I actually need to explain it any further? Didn't think so.