Monday, May 22, 2006

Newsless news made better.

Sen. Hillary Clinton has an iPod:
"I've got everything -- a total smorgasbord."
Her mix includes such diverse material as Aretha Franklin's "Respect," The Beatles' "Hey Jude," The Eagles' "Take it to the Limit", and Gwar's "The Master has a Butt." Clinton loves to listen to her iPod when catching up on paperwork or when hitting the gym:
"Gwar's 'Babyraper' is especially good when I'm looking for that extra boost on the stairmaster. It really gets me going."
Some might be surprised by Clinton's iPod jones after comments she made (and later apologized for) at a recent event:
"The culture in which we're raising children really argues against hard work. It's a culture that has a premium on instant gratification. I grew up in a home with one TV set. Now, we've got children in ... middle class and upper middle class homes that, you know, they have TV's in their rooms, they have computers with the Internet in their rooms, they have iPods. I mean, they are totally connected. And, yeah, one of my party's kinda sorta platforms is to provide broadband access to every home in America, but I think there are ways to stop the poor kids from being such selfish pricks too. And not just by abstaining from sex. Let them have the internet and the computer games in their room, but cover the computer in a blanket. An electrified blanket only you, the parent, controls. After a few shocks, they'll learn their lesson. And they'll work harder, get better grades, and keep their underage hohos out of their underaged friends' hahas. And one day, they'll grow up and have other people write their life stories for them, because they'll be so busy, they just won't have the time to sit down, turn on a little 'The Master has a Butt' and put down on paper a record of their storied existence."
And, yes, to answer that question that's floating around in your warped little mind, she jogs to Anal Cunt.

Yet, there's still this appeal.

My Old Kentucky Blog (one of the best mp3 blogs out there) gets the gold star on this gloomy Monday. Their feature today compiles mp3 after mp3 of covers of Joy Division's classic, "Love Will Tear Us Apart." Jose Gonzalez, 10,000 Maniacs, Calexico, New Order (obvs), U2 w/ The Arcade Fire, Nouvelle Vague, and a ton more. Check it.

Friday, May 19, 2006

If Joey Chestnut loses, the terrorists have already won.

"This could be so critical to our sport. It's never good for the same athlete to win so many years in a row. The Fourth of July has been stolen from Americans because of Kobayashi's dominance and now America has someone who they can get excited about." - George Shea, Chair of the International Federation of Competitive Eating, after Joey Chestnut, a 22 year old civil engineering student at San Jose State, ate 50 hot dogs and buns in 12 minutes at the Las Vegas qualifier for the Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest.

After what I imagine was a hearty belch or perhaps thirty minutes of vomiting, Chestnut echoed Shea's "patriotism": "I'm going to push harder on our Independence Day to take the title back. My brother is in the National Guard in Iraq and there will be a lot of people behind me."

And don't think Chestnut can't back it up. He's the reigning champion in eating pork ribs (5.5 pounds in 12 minutes), waffles (18.5 in 10 minutes) and jalapeno poppers (118 in 10 minutes). (But what about Pizza Shooters, Shrimp Poppers, or Extreme Fajitas?)

I just puked.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Altered Quote of the Day

"If I heard the Lord right about 2006, the coasts of America will be lashed by storms. Now, mind you, at the time the Lord spoke to me, I was drunk vacuuming. As many a good Christian knows, the combination of holy juices and the hum of a Dyson can make for uneasy listening. And, as any good Christian also knows, the Lord has a tendency to mumble and occassionally trail off, making it increasingly difficult to determine the nature of his musings, like Kissinger on a ham radio.

But I'm just about positive, and I really mean it this time, there well may be something as bad as a tsunami in the Pacific Northwest. But, the Lord is a just man. While he may kill millions with the full power of his mighty waters, he will not drown us all. I will live. As will my family, my employees, and the 58 Indonesian children who work in the factory that will be packaging "The American Tsunami: What Now?" a how-to guide for Godly survival in the wake of the Lord's weather, hosted by yours truly, and featuring musical performances by Amy Grant, Darryl Worley, and Steven Curtis Chapman. The DVD package also includes a miniature Bible, an "I Survived God's Wrath" bumper sticker, and two cyanide capsules for future use, further explained on the DVD. All this, available to you, right now, for only $19.95 plus shipping and handling. The Lord has spoken and through the hum of a vacuum and five Brandy Alexanders, I have heard his call." - Pat Robertson

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

She Mars! She Mars!

I tried not to worry too much. Dawn Ostroff and Les Moonves are smart people, even if one of them has a penchant for empty headed lawsuits. I knew, deep down, that Veronica Mars would be renewed. It had to be. Had to, people. Had to. So, if you were like me, stop fretting, because this shit's official:
Straight from the horse's mouth, Rob Thomas just e-mailed me to confirm that Veronica Mars has been renewed for a third season. The show got a 22-episode order that, depending on ratings, can be reduced to 13. Very reliable sources, meanwhile, are also telling me that One Tree Hill will be back and that Everwood is, in fact, dead. Talk about injustice.
Reserve your microfridge, stock up on ramen, and get ready to catch a serial rapist. We're going to Hearst, ya'll! (Via the invaluable Mars Investigations)