Thursday, May 18, 2006

Altered Quote of the Day

"If I heard the Lord right about 2006, the coasts of America will be lashed by storms. Now, mind you, at the time the Lord spoke to me, I was drunk vacuuming. As many a good Christian knows, the combination of holy juices and the hum of a Dyson can make for uneasy listening. And, as any good Christian also knows, the Lord has a tendency to mumble and occassionally trail off, making it increasingly difficult to determine the nature of his musings, like Kissinger on a ham radio.

But I'm just about positive, and I really mean it this time, there well may be something as bad as a tsunami in the Pacific Northwest. But, the Lord is a just man. While he may kill millions with the full power of his mighty waters, he will not drown us all. I will live. As will my family, my employees, and the 58 Indonesian children who work in the factory that will be packaging "The American Tsunami: What Now?" a how-to guide for Godly survival in the wake of the Lord's weather, hosted by yours truly, and featuring musical performances by Amy Grant, Darryl Worley, and Steven Curtis Chapman. The DVD package also includes a miniature Bible, an "I Survived God's Wrath" bumper sticker, and two cyanide capsules for future use, further explained on the DVD. All this, available to you, right now, for only $19.95 plus shipping and handling. The Lord has spoken and through the hum of a vacuum and five Brandy Alexanders, I have heard his call." - Pat Robertson

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