Sunday, February 26, 2006

I don't know if he can handle Hastert's girth.

"So [Bush] now has a list in his heart and his head of everybody who's going to screw him...literally, when he makes a mistake." - Chris Matthews reacting to President Bush's Dubai port deal on The Chris Matthews Show (2/25/06)

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

The Great Zucchini

Gene Weingarten's "The Peekaboo Paradox," (from the Jan. 22nd edition of The Washington Post) a piece on famed Washington D.C. children's entertainer "The Great Zucchini," is brilliant, one of the best things I've read in a while, careening from tragi-comedy...
But while you're winning, anything seems possible. Eric is at the moment a heroic character, a romantic lead, a suave Bogart or Bond, rolling sixes and nines and never a losing seven, and the cheering continues. The classy illusion holds right up until the moment that the bellowing woman falls silent, sways, hiccups, and vomits all over the table.
...to startling insight. Yes, it's long, so if you're at work, perhaps discussing your co-worker's bowel movements from the night before and tearing yourself away from that thrilling exchange isn't a possibility, print it out and take it home. Seriously. Read it. It's sensational. (via Lacunae)

And you think your job's shitty.

Co-worker: Hey, Tim.
Me: Yeah?
Co-worker: I had diarrhea last night.
Me: You should put that on a T-shirt.

If that wasn't enough for bowel movement related office banter:

Me: Quietly doing my business in the bathroom stall.

Middle-aged Detective enters bathroom. He hisses like something out of Midian, breathing heavily, grunting.

Middle-aged Detective: I can see your shoes. I can see your shoes.

Me: Quietly doing my business in the bathroom stall and, now, as if I'd ever stopped, quietly loathing my existence.

Middle-aged Detective: (sheepishly) Sorry.

Middle aged Detective leaves bathroom.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Sugar, it's Eli.

Whenever I have questions about the big issues: war, poverty, my future children becoming vampires, I can think of no better source for soothing answers than Pat Robertson or any of his helpful associates at The 700 Club. And, thank Jehovah, I'm not alone:
My stepdaughter is fascinated with vampires and other occult practices. Her bedroom is draped in black and has an altar with candles, incense, and a pentagram. I tell my wife that even though I am not our daughter's biological dad, I am still responsible before God for my household. My wife tells me to mind my own business. What do you believe is my responsibility before God concerning her behavior in our home?

First of all, according to the Bible, you are the head of your household. That includes your wife and your daughter. If she [your wife] got married in a Christian marriage, she is supposed to submit to the authority of her husband in matters of spiritual activity.

You do not wish to invite Satan to come into your home. The pentagram, the candles, the occult incantations -- they are all prayers to Satan and to demons to enter your home and to do damage to your home and to your family. As the high priest of your household, you have an absolute right to say, 'No, this is my home and I am paying the bills. You get that junk out of here!'

Don't think that because you are not involved in it that you are going to escape. There was a prophet in the Old Testament whose name was Eli, a wonderful human being, but he let his children get away with murder. Eli the priest allowed his children to engage in fornication with the women who came to the temple to worship, and it got so bad that God said, 'Eli, you and your whole family are out of here. You are out of work, and none of your progeny is ever going to have a part in the priesthood again.' The same thing is true with you. You must take a stand on this. There are no ifs, ands, or buts about it. Your wife has got to say that that is the way it is. You need to say, 'I am not arguing with you. This is the way it is going to be.'
Demons don't pay your bills. You do. There are no ifs ands or buts about it. (via TMN)

Friday, February 03, 2006

Quote of the Day

"Anyway, I find myself rooting for the poor fans in Seattle, who have suffered through the Griffey/A-Rod/Big Unit defections; the E! True Hollywood Story-level demises of Shawn Kemp and Vin Baker; the relative lack of success of "Singles"; the Dikembe Mutombo game; Jack Sikma's perm; the Irene-Steven domestic violence incident on "The Real World"; an astonishing number of recent Mariners seasons in which the team peaked in July; and (unquestionably) the most mediocre franchise in NFL history. And that's just in the last 15 years. Can you imagine being a Seahawks fan since 1976? No Super Bowl appearances. No truly memorable players other than Steve Largent. They were like the Hartford Whalers of the NFL...and by the way, the Whalers moved eight years ago. Now they have their one chance to step into the limelight and people are crapping on them? I don't get it." - Bill Simmons

Dude, how small can your light saber possibly be?

From today's New York Daily News ("Meet Jabba the Nut"), comes the story of Michale Cianci -- bus driver, dad, pitiful NERD -- creator of a middle school "fight club," largely influenced by Star Wars (in ways scarier than George Lucas' neck wattle):
Bus driver Michael Cianci created The Death Cheese Club to keep order and gave the toughest of the middle school kids nicknames like Darth, Sith Warrior and Jabba, law enforcement sources said.

The stocky married father of two, who lives with his mother in Parlin, N.J., even posted bizarre rules in the yellow bus titled "Death Cheese Laws," which were read aloud each day, the sources said.

"The penalty for breaking this code is banishment," the laws proclaimed above the signature of "Lord Matt" - apparently The Emperor's second in command.

"In a ranking of Master or above, the penalty is death or severe beating . . .Heresy will not be tolerated."

The wanna-be storm troopers pounded on weaker kids, dished out noogies and even cut up one another's clothing with scissors.
Seriously, no amount of snark can really do this story justice.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Cobra Kai

I work in a county criminal courthouse. Each and every morning comes a parade of petty offenders, felons, mid-level defense attorneys (with the occassional high priced type: Darden, Geragos, Mesereau), and a fair share of people who smell as if they just rolled around in vomit. But some people break out of the boundaries of what one can achieve whilst in the stern bosom of the criminal justice system. Some redefine the parameters, break all the rules, go out in a blaze of "glory," blah blah blah. But if you don't want to do this, if you just want to get your shit taken care of with little to no fanfare, here's my advice, as based on recent events which I've witnessed:
1) You come in for your arraignment. It's not a serious charge, especially since you don't have a criminal history. If you happen to see someone you don't like in the lobby, do not, under any circumstances, rush across the lobby and karate kick said person. You'll only get arrested right there and charged with new shit that's worse than the petty shit you still haven't taken care of.

2) If you haven't listened to step 1, you're now in jail for the night. While there, don't start a fight with your cellmate. And when a deputy tries to break up the fight, don't hit the deputy. Because, guess what? You're now facing even more new charges on top of the charge you still haven't taken care of.

3) If you haven't listened to step 1 and/or 2, well, you're a dumbass. But say this is the case. You were distracted and a little hot tempered and you made a mistake. We all do it. So, you finally get your day in court, and you face multiple charges. The judge, disturbed by your recent behavior, chooses to lecture you for a few minutes. Here's your chance to ingratiate yourself with him and everyone else. Appear humble. Throw yourself on the mercy of the court. Do not, I repeat, do not mutter "go fuck yourself" in the direction of the judge.

4) If steps 1-3 seem too difficult for you, well, you're fucked.
The karate kick incident is currently the second best thing that's ever happened while I've been working here, ranking behind the day the neo-Nazi esaped and was crawling around in the ceiling tiles. I got out around lunch time that day and the next day too, because while trying to escape (he fell through a tile into a room locked from the outside) he stirred up some asbestos. He's my favorite Nazi ever. Yeah, I said it. Eat it, Goebbels.

Killing the buzz I don't have.

"When you've sat through the Felton Spencer/Travis Knight era, the "We Want Lampe" chants at the draft, the Don Chaney and Lenny Wilkens firings and countless mind-numbing Scott Layden press conferences, you have a whole different perspective on what sucks and what really sucks. But make no mistake, this is as sorry of an era as anything the franchise has been through lately. Possibly ever.

The degree of quit displayed by the Knicks against the Lakers was so disheartening that Brown got himself tossed by referee Steve Javie midway through the third quarter. Bryant had been parading to the free throw line all night, the discrepancy so glaring that the Knicks posted each team's attempted foul shots on the scoreboard each time one of the teams went to the line. The Lakers ended up with a 58-24 advantage from the line, meaning Kobe himself had more makes and attempts than the Knicks did as a whole." - Chris Sheridan bringing me down. It's honest (brutally so) and I have a hard time disagreeing with anything said in the entire piece. The next two year's first round picks are gone (for Eddy Curry, in a trade I once endorsed, showing you just how hopeful and dumb I can be) and there is very little hope for the season, let alone the future. Firing Isaiah now won't even feel good, like firing Layden did. Whatevs, I'm starting to think Layden wasn't even that bad.

Sorry. Sorry. That was insane. He was/is that bad. Isaiah just happens to be worse.

Good Night.

"I haven't shied away from political and social conversations in my life, so I don't shy away from them in the films I make either. It doesn't mean that I'm out here preaching to the converted; I'd actually like to open up discussion and find ways that aren't polarizing. Films are reflecting what is going on in society. We as a society since 9/11 have, for the first time since Watergate, sat around and had outrage, discussion, polarization and arguments from both sides of the aisle. Questions are being asked. And that is good." - George Clooney

I, for one, am relieved that we have found our way out of the wilderness (Thanks, George!) and started talking again, talking about politics, talking about world issues. These past thirty years have been, well, too quiet, especially in the arts, where no one's been grappling with issues of any kind. Nothing but glitz and fluff. Hits from the 80s, 90s and today. Hollow, right? Until now. Hurray!

Now, combine that decades long silence with the general warming of the Earth and the indordinate number of naps I've taken over the years make a lot more sense. But now I'm awake and issues rattle around in my head more often than I can take. My advice to those in a similar situation goes like this: Pat yourself on the back a few times (5-10 times works for me), watch either of George Clooney's two movies this year and then recall that hilarious anecdote about how audiences thought the actor playing Joseph McCarthy was just so great. I find my heartiest laughs come when I'm so sleepy I'm practically punch drunk. And if that doesn't work, just think back to the last couple of moribund decades, think back to all that silence and inactivity, block out all feelings of trepidation, bar yourself from ever using the term "post 9/11" ever again (please? pretty please?) and curl up under your favorite blanket. Sleep well, you Princes of Maine, you Kings of New England. Sleep...(awww...aren't we cute when we're asleep?)